Holy Craps

After another night under the stars in the Grand Canyon campsite we set off towards Las Vegas feeling a bit achy and smelling of smoke from the previous day. This took us to our first real traffic jam. There had been a fatality near to the Hoover Dam earlier on and although any problems had been cleared away and the road re-opened there was still a fairly hefty backlog to get through by the time we arrived. It took me over 2 hours to go 15 miles. It was good to get out of the car to see the Hoover Dam if not only to stretch our legs although it did cost us $7 for the privilege

Whilst in Vegas we got ourselves a motel to stay in. We had the luxury of two double beds, a shower and a TV to catch up on the news as well as Jerry Springer. It was really good to have some room to live in for the first time in a while.

We’d been spending the last few days in some of the most beautiful places nature has to offer and we were suddenly bombarded by mankind in it’s most synthetic form. There is apparently 15,000 miles of neon tubing in Vegas and I definitely believe it. It really is a shock to the senses as you wander down then main strip with music being blared at you and lights glaring at you from all directions. To top it off, every bridge is lined with people selling water whilst channelling an auctioneer style of vocabulary. Simultaneously, every pavement is full of Mexicans handing out leaflets and cards for ‘girls girls girls’, slapping them against each other and clicking the sides as if it makes us want to take them more. You litter – ally get offered one over a hundred times a day. One girl in front of us had the right idea and just handed them back some of her own rubbish as she walked past leaving them standing there looking confused.

We wandered down the main strip when we first arrived and took in a few of the sights. The temperature was really hot and I don’t think my body really liked walking in between the red hot streets and the cool, air-conditioned casinos repeatedly. Every casino has a theme from the castle at Excalibur to the pirates at Treasure Island. We came up with a few of our own which would work including London (where they serve fish and chips and the staff have bad teeth), Hospital (where you can win MRSA), Zombie Apocalypse and Afghanistan.

We were looking for some lessons or beginners tables but none seemed to offer them but eventually we did find some. We took a Craps lesson on the first day. Craps is the game where you roll two dice across the betting table which is seen in quite a few movies and TV shows. This taught us the basics but also confused us enough to put us off slightly.

We stuck with the one armed bandits which come in all varieties. Our favourite flavour was the 1 cent machines where if you take your time you can get well over an hour out of $1. The bonus is also the free drinks. You get free soft drinks, cocktails, beers, or whatever so long as you are playing and paying even on then penny slots. Generally you lose but I say 25% of the time we walked away with a profit on top of the drinks. We never put more than $1 on the slots per casino.

It was nice to take in some of the night sights including the Bellagio fountains. For those who don’t know, there is a fairly large lake/ pond outside the Bellagio Casino where, at night, they have moving lit fountains that are choreographed to different songs. The shows were fifteen minutes apart and I think we saw at least four displays whilst on our stay. My favourite was probably the theme to the Pink Panther.

Speeding around the Bellagio whilst we were watching was a fat gay clown on a mobility scooter making balloon animals. He was rolling up to people and saying “Oh my gosh you haven’t got a hat we’ve simply got to sort that out for you” and “You’re not smiling, I’m telling. You silly moose”. Walking down the strip you see that Michael Jackson has over-taken Elvis as the most impersonated street entertainer in Vegas. At one point we saw a small child with him for a photo which was worrying enough but then he said “Smile, say chee-heees”.

We also went to Treasure Island to see their night time display which it turned out to be some women dancing on the ship out front with explosions, fireworks, cheesy song and an attempt at a storyline with pirates on a different ship.

We eventually got some more lessons, this time in roulette and blackjack by a patronising Asian lady. We took the Craps class again and this time Willie talked us through it so it actually made more sense. We felt confident enough this time to give it a go so be both put up $10 and pooled our resources. Not much later we were walking away with $45 to share and a spring in our step.

Later on we tried our hand at blackjack where I lost $18 but had fun. An overall loss of $5.50 which I think is pretty good considering people lose thousands. Combined with the slot machines I think I probably walked away about $7.50 lighter but I must’ve had at least 10 free drinks so no big upset. Some places we’ve been on the trip have been in the news for having disasters but if anything happens to Vegas, I don’t think it will be bankruptcy caused by us.

A tip for anyone going to Las Vegas who looks as young as us is take ID and have it handy.


J.